The Voyage of Spectacle

I have never seen the movie “Free Willy.”  Given that it was made for kids, I always assumed that the villain’s planned calamity for Willy was something like being sold to a third-world water park where he wouldn’t receive the same pampering treatment that made him such a loveable scamp at his current performing home.

Only now, after perusing imdb.com, do I realize that in fact the villain intended to KILL Willy and collect the insurance money.  Wow … that’s pretty dark for a Disney kids movie.

Had Disney gone with my plot line, Willy would have been sold to Ocean World.  It’s basically Sea World without Shamu – various creepy dolphin exhibits, some sea lions, a fake beach – you get the drift.  Ocean World also gets pretty low points for creativity in branding.  Did you think of that name all by yourself?  Do you serve the “Big Mick”, just like McDowell’s?

Somewhere along the way, Ocean World got the idea to open a marina.  This wasn’t a completely crazy idea, as this particular part of the world (the northern coast of Dominican Republic) has no marinas in the neighborhood.  We previously had been unaware of Ocean World (as it had just opened in December 2006 and was not in any of the books we had), but we decided to check it out once our tribulations at the Old Dock reached the point of multiple shipping boats cutting our anchor rode.

After the 30-minute trip over, we approached and three golf carts with about nine staff members zoomed up to greet us.  I thought, “What service!” as Melissa threw them dock lines.  They stood there holding them, dumbfounded.

“You want to tie up the boat?” I queried somewhat sarcastically.

Apparently, no.  They stood there holding the lines until we got off the boat and did it ourselves.

That sort of sums it up.  This is a very new, very expensive and very crappy marina – the Ishtar of marinas.  They have spent millions on it, and they are going to lose their ass.  They’ve only been open for three months and, already, they have a wide-spread (and well-earned) reputation for having a ridiculous surge even on the far inside of the breakwater – that’s a death knell for a marina.  Indeed, nearly all our docklines are all ruined by chafe.  And, oh yeah – it’s 50% more expensive than any other marina we’ve visited.

As the pictures make clear, this is a ridiculous place.  There is no end to the tacky aquatic décor — fish couches (the picture of Melissa is on one of about ten different such designs), preposterous over-decoration, weird frescoes, a bar shaped like an octopus, etc., etc., etc.

The main building is pretty calamitous.  On the ground floor, there are two awful restaurants, which were totally empty unless a caravan of pre-paid, packaged tour guests happened to roll in for some cheap buffet food (the smell of abusively overcooked lobster permeates the entire marina).  On the second floor, there is a small and decidedly mediocre casino (although it had the loosest Texas Hold ‘Em game I’ve ever seen – it was like taking free money, which paid for much our stay).  The third floor is home to “Bravissimo!” – their “Vegas-style” show.  Never ones to pass up a chance to view unintentional comedy, we bought our tickets.  Wow.  It shatters the Unintentional Comedy Scale.

Next to the main building is some sort of ersatz “fort.”  This may have gone up because they stumbled upon a discount sale on cannons.  Apparently all marinas need a fort to defend them (see, e.g., Marina Fort Louis).  Needless to say, that French fort has actually been in battle and doesn’t have an empty “supermarket” on the ground floor or golf carts parked in front of it.

However, Ocean World did have an air-conditioned room with high-speed internet, a nearby, off-premises mini-market that sold cheap, cold, large Presidentes, and a few helpful staffers (especially Jolise).  We also got to see a sea lion do the meringue – it’s not every day you get that chance. What a ridiculous place.  More Pictures